His Royal Majesty King Salmonella D’ Vulgar
First Person Survey for: King Salmonella TirMongo Ablegirim Kralovesh Evdokim Rutabaga d'Vulgar, Lord Protector of the Royal Radish, High Overseer of the Caves of the Golden Truffles. I am also Grand Nakup of the Royal Radish Winery. I also head the predominant Church in Vulgaria which is the Vulgarian Unorthodox Church. These are just three of the 79 titles I carry.
Name Given at Birth: The same without all of the flourishes.
Nicknames: Sal or Mongo to my close friends and family.
Hometown or where you were born: Pawshlee, Vulgaria which has now become a shrine for some silly reason.
Current Residence: Khaamskee, Vulgaria (the Royal seat of Vulgaria). I spend time in the castle and in a small cottage when I want to get away from it all.
Age: 53 glorious years even though I am still a youngling by heart.
Class: Upper-Royal. What else would you expect from a King?
What do you do, your main function in life/society: Monarchy of Vulgaria (propped up by truffle exports). There are many responsibilities to be a King. I, of course travel much to make sure there is a continuing market for our truffles and our radishes as well. Lastly, and my most solemn duty, is to head the Vulgarian Unorthodox Church.
Have you ever gone skinny-dipping / do you know how to swim: There is any other way to swim? Besides, you have to bathe.
Do you make fun of people: Only those that are less "colorful" than us. Maybe I should change that since most everyone is less colorful. As royalty, we of course, must set an example for our people. And then, outside of Vulgaria, people just don’t see the joys of all those colors.
Favorite Color: All colors are my favorite. How could I pick just one from so many delightful colors? If I had to make a choice it would be green or red or orange or blue or purple or yellow or…well, you see my dilemma.
Have you ever committed or been convicted of a crime: I must admit to having stolen a chicken in my youth. But, I was not caught and so never convicted. It helps being Royal all your life. Leopold keeps saying I have committed a crime of fashion.
Closest friends/How did you meet: My closest friend before I met my dearest wife was my childhood friend, Dabro. He lived in the castle down from our family, so it was natural that we would eventually meet at the local carp feast. Sadly at the wedding feast he had too much peeve (ale) to drink and wandered off with a comely (young lady) and I have not seen him since.
One Pillow or two: I favor two pillows. Just look at my Queen to know why.
Pets: Ahhhh, that would be my little Abyezyaana (lemur) (I call him my little Yanni). He is a gift from the Empress of Madagascar. I have so little time for other pets with so many children. But, I did have a dog in my youth named Fritzonella. He was a large dog with white fur that was like the curls many ladies wear today.
Favorite Type of Music: I love a good polka tune, though I seldom dance anymore. I have come to enjoy some of the music of your country. The Celts have a mystical music and how can one not be stirred by your bagpipes. They remind me so much of our smyearches (bagpipe like instruments).
Hobbies/Pastimes: I have come to enjoy traveling to see all the different lands outside of Vulgaria. And buying new things for the Queen and Princess. I do enjoy gardening when I have the time and the Royal Gardeners let me. That is why I have a private little plot that no one else knows about where I try and grow new things. I always try to bring new plants and seeds back from my travels.
Personal Hygiene: I bathe once a month whether I need it or not. Lately, because of the customs of the lands we travel in, I have been bathing much more often.
Favorite Food: I am particularly fond of radishes. They seem to go with just about anything. Of course a fine truffle sauce or beets are good. Then there is the rutabaga. Of course some good cured sveenya (swine or pig) is especially good.
Are your parents alive, do you get along with them: Being that our peoples are long-lived, both of my parents are alive and currently in charge of the country in our absence. My Father, Pakrat and my Mother, Inkena, have molded me into the man you see before you. My Father decided to abdicate the throne a number of years ago to enjoy some of his hobbies that he couldn’t as King.
If your parents are dead, when and how did they die: Though they are still alive, I can tell you they will die in true Vulgarian fashion. Sadly though, I can't tell you the details as it is extremely personal.
Favorite place to relax: We have a special garden that is where I go to relax and think. I also enjoy going to the new library I have added to the castle so I can read.
Favorite Holy Day / Why: Troitsa (Easter) has always had special spiritual meaning since the Christ came to the disciples and gave them direction. However, Svyaatkee (Christmastide) is fun too with all the gifts.
Favorite Drink: I do enjoy a good cup of chai. But there is nothing that hits the spot like a good radish wine. I have several bottles of a fine 1498 vintage. That was an exceptional year for radishes.
What's your bedtime: At home, I stay up a little past sunset. We have a rock that glows at night and allows me to stay up a little later and allows me to read in my bed. I also enjoy being outside and looking at the stars. I sometimes pretend that I can see images from the stars.
What, if anything, do you usually wear on your feet: At home, I have a nice tooflya (slippers) I wear around the castle. But as you can see, I have special bateenak (boots) I wear for special times.
Are you married or single: I am married and all you have to do is look at my queen to know why I am happily married.
Do you have a family / who are they: As I have mentioned there is my wife, the queen; Queen Rubella d'Vulgaria, Light of the Vulgarian realm, Keeper of the Holy Flame. And then there is the light of my life, my daughter Radishella. How can you describe her , but to say she is a dragatsenost (lovely child). Alas, I am much worried about her happiness. She has reached an age where she is much past the normal marrying age. I am so terribly worried that she will take after her aunt (my sister), Trichinella (I call her Trixie). Trixie is my identical twin and is yet to wed. I am afraid that even though she holds out hope, her lack of wide child bearing hips will hinder her. If only they were as wide as they are thick.
Favorite Entertainment: I love to sing. In fact, the whole family sings. Well, Tricky has her moments, but, she does try hard.
Favorite Subject in School or Chore growing up: We did have a school in the small village I grew up in(where we had our winter castle). It was a school more in practical manners though. I did enjoy learning to hunt wild alyen (deer) for special meals. Father always said that we needed to live amongst the villagers to know how best to rule.
Least Favorite Subject in School or Chore growing up: I didn't like to milk the kazaa (cow). I think the real problem was that I didn’t like to have to get up that early in the morning. I still don’t like it.
Favorite Sport: We made a ball out of the bladder of a sveenya and let it dry and toughen. Then we would take turns throwing it and running with it while others tried to take it from us.
Most Humiliating Moment: While playing our game with the sveenya, Dabro was trying to get it from me and my bryookee (pants) came off in front of all the girls.
Proudest Moment: Besides the day I was married and the day that my little Radishella was born, it had to be the day that Radishella picked the first radish she had grown all by herself. Now, if we could only find her a husband.
Craziest Person or silliest you know: Besides myself, I would have to say my sister Trixie. She does an imitation of an enndyook (not translateable, it just has to be seen to understand) that has to be seen to be believed.
What do you look for in the opposite sex: Besides a wonderful smile and eyes to lose yourself in, I look for a lady with good child bearing hips.
In our Hierarchical Society everybody has somebody "over" them, Who is your immediate "overlord": I answer to the Holy Trinity.
Favorite Sport to watch: Sveenya tossing. I also enjoy watching Radishella chasing the single men. At least, I consider that a sport worth watching.
Do you remember your first kiss: I won't divulge her name (out of self preservation), but, we had been out hunting for wild byelka (boar) and there was just something about the way she belched that made me look at her in a new way. It was rather a clumsy first attempt, but we practiced a lot and got pretty good at it.
Do you keep in touch with your childhood friends: There are not many that have moved out of Pawshlee. I sometimes get back there, but, it just is not the same anymore. I seem to have more responsibility and we seem to have grown apart.
Where is your favorite "Vacation" spot: Who could not want to vacation at the mudbaths outside of Cluj-napoca in Romania.
Have you ever been overseas: Ever since the discovery of the Golden Truffles, I have spent much time traveling the seas as well as over the lands. I have seen many wonders and hope to continue exploring them with my dear wife and child. This has been so much more extensive than the traveling I did with Papa during our radish export days.
Do you have Dirt/Mud floors or Stone: We have stone floors in the palace. But, I have made sure that my little cottage has good mud floors. Even during the dry spells I make sure the dirt is well watered.
What is your bed made of: It is made of the finest khlawpak (wool) and filled with kooreetsa (goose) down. And it is also filled with the love of my family.
How many people sleep in your bed: Only my Queen and I....now, except of those stormy nights and then Radishella tends to drift in. Actually, rush in is more descriptive. But, to make it less frightening to the her, we each sing little songs about our favorite things.
10 Things Everybody Should Know About Me:
1. Now don't spread this around, but, I used to sing a lot. I guess now that most everyone knows I sing.
2. I do try and keep up with the latest in modern technology. We just installed some of the newest candles made that burn cleaner.
3. Would you believe that some people think that I can fart the national anthem of Vulgaria? I will admit I have been known to do that after some radish wine.
4. I want people to know that I am a man that believes that we will be treated as we treat others.
5. I met Martin the Maestro many years ago and it was he and his family that have taught us so much about this land of England. He is like a brother to me. In fact, I made a decree many years ago that he is indeed my brother. After much study on this, we do seem to have ancestors in common in the past. It seems that my great great great great great great great great great Grandfather and Martin’s great great great great great great great great Grandmother had several children. One went on to stay with the Gypsy ways and the other did not. Hence, the divergence in our families. So, not only is he my brother by decree, he is of my blood.
6. Even though I am 52, many people believe I am much younger than that.
7. I am proud of telling people I am 52, because, in my heart I will always be younger.
8. People should also know that I am secretly a clown, even when I am supposed to be serious.
9. I think it is important for people to know all about my country and the wonders of the truffles that we have.
10. I think radishes are as important as truffles and that they are a living religious relic. As time goes by they will learn even more about me.